Category: Children

Successful Children Series - Conception - One Year

8/3/2015

Successful Children Series
Part 1 of 4
Conception - One Year
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

Since this is the first post in the series, I will start where it all begins;

Have your best possible pregnancy. Things, emotions and health concerns happen, but do all you can to nurture your mind, body and soul during your pregnancy so in turn, your little one will get the best possible start.
Surround yourself with people who want to nurture you and your pregnancy.
Practice attachment parenting. In the infant stage, give baby all of the attention he or she seem to be asking for. If you breast feed, do it on demand. If you bottle feed, do it as recommended by your pediatrician, but cuddle on demand.
As often as possible, give your baby eye contact and facial expressions to match the mood. As you see in Dr. Tronick’s Still Face Experiment, here, the impact on babies when their primary caregiver ignores them is profound and happens almost immediately. Baby needs our FULL attention often! If it is between your baby and your electronic device, choose your baby.
Play with your baby often. Learn to do the play routine in a way that each time your baby is on the verge of a new skill, give them a chance to do it. If you are stacking blocks and baby picks one up, give the little one a chance to do it. Don’t steal baby’s thunder!
Be careful with praise. Don’t be stingy, but don’t over-praise either. When you over-praise, you steal baby’s thunder. The accomplishment is their very own special praise feeling and it is generated by them, as it will also be in the future! Join them in their excitement, but be careful not to BE their excitement.
Keep conflicts away from baby. Baby will have no idea what the trouble is, but their brain will begin to get wired for tension. If baby is going to be confident, the extent of bad feelings they should be navigating are things like hunger, gas and other pain. If you have trouble keeping conflict away from baby, ask for support from a close friend or relative.
Turn OFF the TV when you are playing with baby and even when your baby is playing in her bouncy seat. Baby doesn’t need the highs and lows of the TV volume, voices or emotions being depicted. Even if it is a children’s show, just keep in mind, is she happy with the toys on the mat? Is she happy with Cookie Monster? Does she need both to be happy. If not, let the little one focus in on one thing at a time.
It won’t take long to start noticing patterns and routines forming. This is an excellent time to start thinking about boundaries and limits. Where an infant gets to nurse whenever he or she wants, it may not be helpful to let a 9 month old crawl around the floor with a bottle hanging out of her mouth. Routines and schedules are boundaries and boundaries can be so helpful to children as they get older in knowing who they are, who keeps them safe, who guides their behavior and how to be a good citizen. They are also very good for teaching a child how to organize their behavior, emotions and belongings. Exactly what purpose does it serve to let a child keep a sippy cup knocked over on the floor, to be picked up and tossed to the side at will. This child will learn to have a drink or a snack just because it is there. It will set them up for poor table habits that parents then move on to excuse as the child “not being ready to sit at the table with family for dinner.” I see this lasting well into the toddler years. The benefits of teaching children there is a time and a place for everything outweigh any benefits of free-range eating.
Try not to confuse when it comes to yes and no. I don’t know whose idea it was to redefine “No thank you.” And “Yes please.” I think the intent was to show the child by example courtesy in communication, so they will be courteous also. But all it ends up as is confusion. I was recently at an appointment, let’s just say for example, getting my nails done. Another customer had their child (a toddler) with them. A very darling child at that! The little one would not stop pulling the supplies off the shelf and the mother could be heard saying, “No thank you John. No supplies. No thank you.” “No Thank You” – over and over and over again. As if his behavior was supposed to change as a courtesy. More recently I was at a restaurant where a large family was having some type of celebration near our table. The child (toddler), would not stay put in his seat and did not want to eat anything. The mother could be seen and heard trying to get food in his mouth while saying, “yes please…yes please hot dog…yes please.” This was doing nothing to persuade the child to comply. If something isn’t working, either try another way or let it go. Every time our approach fails, our children experience the sense of failure. Sometimes this leads to empowerment for the child to misbehave even more, or just become angry. We are looking for experiences of success.

Not every child is going to be SELF-DRIVEN to success and there is nothing wrong with that…..Successful children have two identifiable qualities; 1. they don’t see the ceiling of their success but instead think they can accomplish anything, and 2. they have a healthy understanding of boundaries, not because they really understand the importance of boundaries or even see how they are being set, but because they have been taught by example that this way or that way is safe, is expected and will help them go confidently into the next phase.

Infants thrive on love. Babies and toddlers thrive on love AND limits. For success after the infant stage, we need an abundance of both!

Finally, if you as a mom feel like you are in need of more successful experiences, reach out!

Seek others who are inspired in their own life and want to inspire others.
Think back to people in your life who supported you and made you feel safe and helped you figure out the next step in a difficult moment. Seek those people out and if those people are not available, look for others who show similar qualities. Maybe you feel supported by someone who makes good eye contact with you, or someone whom you just feel comfortable in their presence.

The more successful you feel, the better you will be able to think outside of the box and to crush perceived barriers for yourself and for your child.

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

18 Comments

What Do You Let Your Children Hear?

1/12/2012

1 Comment

I have noticed that many times parents are not aware of what they are exposing their children to when it comes to adult topics. A child’s development and maturity is very different from an adult’s. Even if your child is very verbal and appears mature for their age, they are still children.

Are you aware of where your children are when you are talking about adult topics? Can they overhear you talking to a friend on the phone or in the other room? Do you have adult themed conversations right in front of your child? Do you directly share your adult concerns with your children?

It is not for your child to worry about the family finances. It is not your child’s business if you and your partner or friends are having a disagreement. It is not your child’s job to support you emotionally.

Exposing your child to adult size worries or concerns just causes your child to be anxious and confused. They often don’t have the maturity to handle the issues. They also don’t have any control over them. They can’t bring in more money or make their parents get along.

There needs to be a clear boundary between adult themed topics and children. If you are worried about your finances or job find another adult to share with, away from you child’s hearing. If you are having trouble with your partner, a
friend or other family members handle it directly. Don’t share your thoughts and feelings with your child. If they sense tension you can acknowledge it while letting them know it’s your business not theirs.

The bottom line is your child just needs to know they are safe and cared for. The adults in their lives need to be aware of what they are exposing their children to.

1 Comment

Successful Children Series - Conception - One Year

What Do You Let Your Children Hear?

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