Intimacy can be a real challenge for couples with young children. It can also be a really hard topic to bring up.

Woman's hand on man's arm
Image credit: Emma Bauso from Pexels

Your OBGYN is going to focus on the technicalities of your birthing body and reproductive system. Your child’s pediatrician is going to focus on baby. If you have a therapist, they are going to focus on your emotions and if you are getting enough rest. Your mom friends are likely going to focus on baby’s sleeping, feeding, milestones and baby gear. Even if you bring up intimacy challenges, everyone is going to say, “Yeah, that’s normal”.

We can do better to understand and mitigate these challenges. Intimacy should bring closeness and rejuvenation, not a cycle of frustration, disappointment and conflict.

Some Things To Think About

She may be experiencing physical and hormonal challenges because of pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, sleepless nights or the “baby blues”.

He may be tired also, but his natural hormonal and emotional needs for connection through sex are typically unaltered by his daddy role. This makes for a discrepancy in desire, which is actually common across the marital span, with 79% of couples reporting it as an issue. (1)

Good News – 74% of couples who communicate well have more sex and report greater happiness in marriage. (1)

Here are some ways that you can increase communication while juggling life with young children.

Time

Set aside a check-in time with your partner for each day. Pick a time where you predict the fewest distractions. Aim for 10 minutes. This might be over your morning coffee or a cold drink, maybe sitting in a sunny room, outside while the children are on the swing, baby’s nap time. I can relate to that feeling of impossibility, but you can do it! Maybe not every day, but more days than not. You just need to get your finger on the pulse of your partner. “How are you doing?” “What are you feeling?” “How can I help?” Being intentional about this shows that you value your relationship and each other.

Energy

If you are thoroughly exhausted, you may not be in the mood to tend to the emotional needs of another adult, even if that other adult is your partner. Not that men don’t get depleted, but it’s harder for women, because we don’t have all that testosterone to keep our energy and libido up. Men – recognize that she is not you and cannot perform like you. Whether you are both working out of the home or not, with a young family, you are both stretched thin. Help her catch her breath. Make way for her to have a nap. Do what you can to acknowledge her challenges. Women – recognize that he is not you and cannot turn off his hormones or the sense of love that comes from sexual intimacy. Do what you can to take care of yourself, get a rest for yourself, and do things that help you connect with feeling sexy or romantic. It’s simply not going to work to put intimacy on hold until baby sleeps through the night.

Dates

“Us time” is so important. The daily check-ins are a great foundation, but couples need time together away from their daily routine. Not everyone has extra money in this phase of life, or access to family, friends or babysitters. If you do, great! Make use of it! But if you don’t, find a way to make your bedroom a magical oasis with scented candles or oils, fresh linens, lighting, music that puts you in the mood, a special dessert. If you have money but no babysitter, take the money you would have spent on a few dates and consider buying a massage table or some electric hot stones. Dial up some massage videos on YouTube like this one. Use your imagination.

Affection

Sometimes women avoid touch because they assume, maybe correctly, maybe not, that to him, touch means, “I want sex,” when she feels like she has nothing left to give. Only through communication can you work this out. There are many forms of affection. Try making a list of the things that draw you closer to him, and him to her. Share your list with each other. Keep each other’s list handy. This is “loving on purpose” and it can make a big difference to both of you.

Talk

Talk to each other about sexuality, how you are feeling, what you enjoy, what you don’t enjoy, what you are feeling challenged by. If you’ve been together for 2 years or 5 years, or since you were teenagers, don’t assume you desire all the same things you did at the beginning. When we were younger, 3 trips through the drive-through per week may have been just fine. Now you might want a 4 course meal once a week and only one trip through the drive-through. Not talking leads to making assumptions that may or may not be correct.

It’s totally normal that baby becomes the center of our life for a time, but baby needs you to regroup. Their safety, stability and future depend on you being a strong couple.

Visit Tracy here if you and your partner are looking for support with intimacy.

(1) Feldhahn & Sytsma, Secrets of Sex & Marriage, 2023. (p. 109, p. 60)

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here