4 of 4 LOVE Posts in our Love Series!

Couple’s Love and Touch; 
The ONLY thing that differentiates the marital relationship from all others.

By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

During the process of courting (or whatever you want to call it in this modern day), couples are intimately physical with each other typically at a higher rate than one year post marriage.  Why??

·       People are younger and hormones are running higher in the early stage.

·       The “attraction” between the two leads to the arousal process.

·       Sometimes, usually the woman, feels that sex is an “expected” part of winning and keeping the man and she is more agreeable to engage even if she might not feel like it.

·       There may be a greater likelihood of the young couple engaging in dinner and drinks or attending parties where there may be alcohol and even drugs, lowering ones inhibitions.

·       Younger couples have more energy and fewer things competing for their time.  I can remember pre-children, my husband and I sitting all afternoon watching the Red Sox game.  Ah, remember that????

I doubt that it even crosses the guy’s mind, “Hmmm, I wonder if our sex life will always be this active.  Not that the woman is scheming in her mind, “I’ll hook him and then deny him.”  Not at all, they are just doing what new and young couples do.

A year post marriage, lots of things have happened, as described in the post last week (children, mortgages, two income job requirements) and over time we have a situation where it is lucky if physical intimacy/sex is happening once a month.

Often, she has adopted an attitude that, “He wants it more than me.  He should consider himself lucky to get it.  I don’t have to do it.  I’m taking care of the babies, the house, working…..”  She becomes frustrated about the demands on her.

He comes to feel chronically frustrated, even at a biological level, that the rules have changed and because he is met with all of these “really valid reasons” that she is not sexually available to him, he is left to feel frustrated even more.

The person with the lower desire almost always dictates the frequency.

The result, the couple is prone to ever increasing stress reactions to the situations in the life they are living and to each other.

Here, we get even greater complications with the woman clinging to her children.  After all, they need this as babies and young children, yet they never ask of her what her husband is asking.  Now we have triangles forming, all under the same roof.  The men may escape to their jobs or their friends.  Thus, the two are now disjointed.

Oh, and not to mention, a very curious difference with the sexes, their arousal processes are triggered by very different stimuli.  AND, some may not be aware that biologically/physically, as a man goes without sex, he has a greater and greater need.  Once the need is met, he has a period of satisfaction and reduced need for sex.  As a woman goes without sex, her need, biologically/physically falls away, rendering her without the need.  When a woman’s need is met, she desires for it to be met again.   So for a woman, if you don’t use it, you lose it.

Case example, a man and woman who have gone 2 weeks without engage in the act, the man feels very frustrated and the woman feels almost a complete lack of interest. 

I see many couples in my work who are engaged in chronic conflict and unhappiness.  Those feelings are often mirrored by what is happening in the bedroom, or in trying to get to or stay out of the bedroom.

I also see many couples who are NOT in significant conflict.  However, their relationship is more like a close friend or brother-sister relationship; sexless.  But since they are seeing me, a therapist, there is a problem somewhere, and often it reflects a longstanding issue with marital intimacy.

Sexual intimacy is the one and only thing that absolutely differentiates the marriage relationship from ALL other relationships.  You might love your “bestie” to pieces, but you don’t have sex with her.  He might work day in and day out with a co-worker/partner but he isn’t having sex with her.  You might tell your therapist some very deep things about yourself, but you aren’t having sex with your therapist.  He may play darts with his friends every Friday, but they aren’t having sex. 

Sex is completely unique to the marital union.

Some people wonder how often the average couple has sex.  The answer can have a wide range depending on age, lifestyle, hormones, health problems, pregnancy/birth/nursing/children, libido and just how healthy the marital relationship is.

This link will take you to the survey of Passionate Marriage.  You can get your own results and then find out about thousands of couples answers.

http://crucible4points.com/limesurvey/index.php?sid=47644&newtest=Y&lang=en

But if you just want some basic and pretty valid info about frequency, here we go.

Here, you see that couples having sex once or twice a MONTH and couples having sex once or twice a WEEK are about tied at 30%.

About 10% are doing it 4-5 times/week.

About 18% are doing it several times/year.

About 11% have NOT done it at all in the last year!

This amounts to about 60% of couples having sex once or twice a month or less.  Take the survey though and see the results of all the answers.  It will only take about 5 minutes.

Do you want to improve or enhance your marital intimacy?

·       Have black out electronic times.

·       Schedule “dates.”

·       Improve your non-sexual intimacy time.

·       Talk to each other about desires and how you can meet one another’s needs.

·       Take care of your health if it is a factor.

·       Recognize if you are using your children or your role as a mother as an excuse and do something about it.

·       Think “fun.”  Use your imagination.  Let’s face it, some days it’s about survival.  You stop at McDonalds for supper.  Other days you set out 7 courses with the tablecloth and candles.  Sex is the same way.  Quickies have their place.  But if the extent to which you are having sex is just “trading orgasms” as the Passionate Marriage survey puts it, rethink that.

·       Get your body moving.  Exercise increases everything good.  The hormonal boost will help your libido.

·       If it’s easier to run down your “to do list” than make time for your spouse, rethink that too.

If you are struggling in this area, please seek help with a qualified professional.

Tracy Lamperti is certified in Healthy Sexuality, Rape Crisis Counseling, Traumatic Stress, and a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors and has attended the following accredited continuing education, David Schnarch (world renowned sex therapist), Resurrecting Sex and the Sexual Crucible (30 hours total)

***Of course not all relationships fit the picture painted above.  Some women have a higher sex drive than their husband.  Some employees are having sex with their boss, etc…There are many different scenarios.  The common dynamics are presented here for reference.

1 of 4 – Parents and Valentine’s Day

2 of 4 – The Importance of Touch

2 of 4 – Removing Barriers to Open Ourselves to Love

4 of 4 – Couples Love

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

If you would like more information or a consultation, please go to  www.tracylamperti.com. 

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

My Blog
My Website
lamperticc@gmail.com
774-722-5919 

3 of 4 LOVE Posts!

When You Don’t Want to be Touched
Removing Barriers

By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

So if touch is such an important part of connecting, and living, why do some of us not want to be touched and what can we do about it?

If we survey 100 moms of babies and toddlers, the top answers given for not wanting to be touched would probably be something like;

·       I’ve been big and pregnant for 4 years (says the mother of 3 children under 5).

·       I’m nursing.

·       I’m working on like…., no sleep.

·       I’M TIRED!

All very valid reasons!

The guys are thinking, well, I guess she’s right.  All these things are true.  They may feel very generous, having “sacrificed” their needs and desires because of these very valid reasons.  They cope and try to be patient.

The woman, often trying to stay in her comfort zone, shuts down her passionate side, partly just naturally, because of those very valid reasons, but partly because she doesn’t want to send any messages to the man that there may be an open door. 

Then we have a classic conflict emerging of, the woman feeling like the man doesn’t support her by just loving her, rubbing her shoulders, holding her hand, talking, etc. and feeling like any touch, flattery or nice gesture by him is an attempt to get his way for sex.  The man feels like he is being totally rejected, can’t do anything right, and his needs must just be stuffed elsewhere until another phase of life.

The children are intermingled in everything.  Daily life is centered around their needs, on the odd chance that the couple get a chance for a date, there are calls to check in, or the conversation just continually gravitates to the child issues.  The baby and often even toddlers are wedged between mom and dad in the “family bed.”

These are all classic dynamics of an emotional/physical split between man and woman.  But more on that in the final post next week.

Let’s explore some other reasons for not wanting to be touched or intimate.

1.   One of the top reasons for not wanting to be touched and not wanting to be intimate is a history of sexual abuse as a child or sexual misuse or assault as a teenager.  While it is true that some people who have these experiences respond by being hypersexual and developing sexual addictions, the first scenario is more prevalent.

a.   You CAN overcome this issue!  The perpetrator TOOK your innocence, your voice, your body, for a time.  With work, self-love and love from others, you can take it back.  The perpetrator does not have to have the power to take your pleasure, passion and enjoyment for your own body OR your intimate relationship with your spouse.  Your body has so much to offer you.  Take it back!

b.   Seek support from a qualified psychotherapist.  Look for a therapist who is interested in you becoming a complete person, individual, wife, mother…rather than one who wants to support you as a stuck victim.  You will remain stuck if this is the type of therapist you choose.  The therapist should also be qualified in working with sexual intimacy issues.  If they are not, you may need to look for a different therapist or two therapists who compliment each other.  A therapist who believes that a marriage should be a sexless marriage while you work on yourself for the next 6 months to 6 years should be able to recommend a good divorce lawyer as well.  If the therapist is telling you that your husband has no right to expect anything of you during your “healing,” you are with the wrong therapist.  A good husband, with a little guidance and support, can be the best part of your healing.

Ok. So that’s the big one, right off the top.

2.   Second big one, you are married to a narcissist or someone who is abusive.  Most women I know don’t like violent, aggressive, or demanded sex.  If you are in this type of relationship, please reach out for help with a professional.  You are at risk and your children are at risk as well.

Ok. That’s #2 biggie.  Now let’s bring it down to every-day humdrum.

3.   You’re body is not what it was in high school.  It’s a reality that women go through body changes with age, pregnancy and birth, nursing, etc.  It’s a myth that you are destined to a life of being 20 pounds over your pre-pregnancy weight, and adding 10 every year after.  It’s hard to feel good in your body when you aren’t treating your body right.  If you are self-conscious about how your body looks (of course, I’m not talking about someone with a body distortion disorder), it’s likely that you won’t feel like showing it bare naked to even your spouse.  Best course of action…Get walking!  Buy a $10 pedometer and challenge yourself to 10,000 steps a day.  Walking has tons of physical and mental health benefits and it will spur you on to do other good things for yourself.

4.   Your husband’s body is, well….not what it used to be.  He might not care, but if you do, you are allowed to invite him walking. :)

5.   Too many “i” things.  If everyone is in front of a screen, you’ve drifted apart.  Get out the cards.  He’d be into strip poker.  Sorry.  Just sayin’, there are options.  If you aren’t doing much in the way of intimate non-sexual things, don’t expect that your intimate sexual relationship is going to be soaring.

6.   Too touchy or not touchy enough.  Maybe you or he haven’t been vocal enough about what you both like.  Devote a couple of dates to talking about intimacy.  Be a very good listener.  It’s ok to be specific.

7.   Depression is a very big arousal and touch buster.  Try to work to find the root and get professional support if you feel stuck in it.

8.   Anger and unforgiveness is also a wall that comes between a couple.  It will inevitably kill the passion that could be between the two of you.  Who wants to touch someone they are mad at?

9.   Other outlets like pornography and affairs are obvious barriers to intimacy.

10. Medications can be a cause of not wanting to be touched, and they can also be the cause of inhibited arousal.  Check on any medications that you are taking if this is an issue.

1 of 4 – Parents and Valentine’s Day

2 of 4 – The Importance of Touch

2 of 4 – Removing Barriers to Open Ourselves to Love

4 of 4 – Couples Love

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

If you would like more information or a consultation, please go to  www.tracylamperti.com. 

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

My Blog
My Website
lamperticc@gmail.com
774-722-5919 

2 of 4 LOVE Posts!

The Importance of Touch

By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant
With Pallas Hutchison, Licensed Massage Therapist/Owner of Oasis Massage, right here on Cape Cod

Some of you might be thinking…love + touch = sex.  
Not in this post. 

Infants and Touch

It is a very rare situation, though it does happen, that a new mom or dad feels uncomfortable touching their baby.  It would be most typical with very young or brand new parents.  But even here, parents often settle in and get it all figured out.

Skin-to-skin contact between mother and infant has been shown to benefit the baby’s physical development and contributes to a positive attachment relationship between the two. The practice of placing a diaper-clad infant skin-to-skin on the mother is so beneficial that it is now an intervention strategy for premature babies in neonatal intensive care units worldwide. ~Pallas Hutchison

If you want to fall in complete love with a child from afar, *like* the Little Flowers Project on facebook!  They totally know about how to love children!  Your heart will be softened with every post!  These are two of the orphans currently at Little Flowers.

Children and Touch

It is pretty easy still to give lots of hugs to toddlers and young children.  However, this is a time when some parents will begin to push children away.  Sometimes the addition of a new baby has a mom feeling like she just wants to retreat.  They can’t push their new baby away, so sometimes an attention seeking older child is the one who gets a little rejection.  It is so important to keep the contact going.  Try to enlist support from family and friends with the baby so that you can have some much needed alone time and also make some extra individual time for the firstborn.  When you commit this time and touch to your older child they will seek less negative attention and they will be happier.

Teenagers and Touch

There seems to be a stigma attached to the ages around 12 and 13 where often parents feel like their child is getting too old to hug or pat their back.  Sometimes the teenager sends this vibe also, “Mommmm…”  When my son exceeded my height, things just seemed different.  When he sprouted up, he got thin.  His bones seemed harder and it just didn’t seem like our bodies fit together at all for a hug.  In fact, he became ambivalent about hugging, which made for an even stiffer, unnatural hug.  We, as parents have to try our best to overcome these changes.  Our teenagers need hugs.

Researchers at the University of Miami had people do a difficult math problem, then had them do it again after receiving a chair massage. Post-massage, subjects showed increased speed and accuracy in solving the problems as well as more pleasure in the task, thanks to the reduction of stress.  ~Pallas Hutchison

If you can give your child the edge at school by giving them a hug before they leave…who wouldn’t want that!  Maybe rubbing their shoulders, even for a minute, or patting them on the back would make it easier and more natural to maintain that physical contact.  We all see teenagers joining contact sports, beginning to date and get physical with other teens and sometimes those most lacking normal, physical contact with parents and siblings are the ones having sex too early and even getting pregnant, a disease or the beginning of a pattern of broken relationships.

Adults and Touch

Pallas Hutchison’s Couple's Instructional Massage teaches people how to touch each other in a non-sexual way.

“Often I hear the only time partners touch each other is to initiate or during sex. Touch is so much more than copulation and shouldn't be restricted to those activities. Also, clients have mentioned that their wife or husband tries to rub their shoulders and is terrible at it, which discourages both from that type of touch. Women, especially those with long fingernails, tend to poke and prod. Men are either too vigorous and cause pain or afraid to hurt their partner accidentally and so use an annoying light touch. I see a difference in how they interact before and after the session. Their body language changes subtly, their words are softer and less guarded, they touch casually. I feel as though this session gives them permission to have that intimacy.” ~Pallas Hutchison

When our children see us touch each other in a non-sexual way, we are modeling for them safe touch.

·       Hug often.

·       Think long and hard about the pros and cons of that “family bed” and the message it sends your child.

·       Show your children that sometimes mommy and daddy sit together on the couch during family movie, instead of the children on top of mommy or daddy, or that mommy and daddy are going to hold hands on this walk.

·       If mommy seems sad, daddy should give her a hug and he should call over the kids to have a group hug with her.  They don’t need to know (and usually shouldn’t know) the details.

2004 study from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill found that sharing a love seat with a partner for 10 minutes lowered blood pressure in premenopausal women. That study also concluded that women have reduced heart rates when they get lots of hugs. But hugs don't have to be from a romantic partner. Various other studies have shown that touch helps asthma, eases migraines, and leads to a more restful night's sleep. ~Pallas Hutchison

1 of 4 – Parents and Valentine’s Day

2 of 4 – The Importance of Touch

2 of 4 – Removing Barriers to Open Ourselves to Love

4 of 4 – Couples Love

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

If you would like more information or a consultation, please go to  www.tracylamperti.com. 

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

My Blog
My Website
lamperticc@gmail.com
774-722-5919 

1 of 4 LOVE Posts!

10 Ways Parents Can Make a Huge Difference to their Child on Valentine’s Day!

By Tracy Lamperti, 
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

Roses, boxes of chocolates, love notes, kisses, romance and blushing…sound wonderful?  Not to everyone.  In fact, for teenagers, Valentine’s Day can be one of the most stressful days of the year.  They often experience worry, disappointment and even depression on this “special day.”

How Parents Can Save the Day

I am posting this purposely a little more than two weeks before the big day so you have time to think about how you are going to show your son or daughter that you love them more than anyone on this special day!

…because, when our children know and feel that they are loved deeply at home, they can go to school with confidence, even if their inbox isn’t full, and their locker hasn’t been smacked with red lips when no one was looking, and they don’t have a boy(girl)friend to strut down the halls with, and they didn’t get as many valentines as their friend.

Pinterest…Just type in “Valentine’s Day Ideas.”  Have fun with it! http://www.mommybydaycrafterbynight.com/2012/01/14-days-of-valentines-free-printables.html  Ok. Some of my “fb friends” will remember I did this last year.  It took a lot of planning.  It was well worth it, but the truth is, I wouldn’t have it in me to do it again.  Looking at it will give ideas.  Maybe you will just do ONE of the 14 idea days.

Drive your child to school on the big day.  Leave early and stop for a hot chocolate or whatever their pleasure is.  Leave early enough to take your time and enjoy a little sit down with your child while they enjoy their Danish, or whatever.

Pick your child up from school.  Take them out for a jumbo chocolate chip cookie or something else enjoyable.  Leave them a card or a coupon in the morning, so that they can think about it at school instead of wondering if they are really important to anyone or not.

Rig up their door.  When they exit their bedroom, a dozen balloons fall on their head.  You get the idea.  Use your imagination.

Leave a trail of notes. At their toothbrush, on the fridge door, etc. in every spot they will visit before leaving for school, each one acknowledging something awesome you notice about them.

Buy them a gift.  This one is not on the top of the list, so if you are going to go with it, don’t go top dollar, but something meaningful that sends the best message of love to your child.  Believe it or not, an inexpensive pair of heart socks will mean a great deal to a child who can lift up their pant leg at school and say, “Do you like the socks my dad gave me this morning."

Hug. Without fail, and without regard to your child’s age, give them a hug before they depart for the day. If hugging your teenage son or daughter is not typical, lay it right on the table, “Son…I don’t tell you I love you nearly enough.  You’re not getting out the door until I give you a hug.”

Enlist the love and support of family and friends.  If your daughter, or son, has a father (or mother) that lives out of the home and they have not already acknowledged Valentine’s Day, find an aunt or an uncle, or maybe a friend or other close person.  Enlist their support. Ask them if they would kindly help you show love to your child by doing one of the above.

Offer your love and support to the child of a friend.  If you have a niece or nephew or child of a friend who has an absent or uninvolved parent, offer your love and support.  Ask if you could pick them up from school and take them out to the Hot Chocolate Sparrow.

Really get into it!  Decorate your house, wear the socks, give your spouse flowers, balloons or chocolate, and make a special dinner and/or dessert.

1 of 4 – Parents and Valentine’s Day 

2 of 4 – The Importance of Touch

2 of 4 – Removing Barriers to Open Ourselves to Love

4 of 4 – Couples Love

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

If you would like more information or a consultation, please go to  www.tracylamperti.com. 

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

My Blog
My Website
lamperticc@gmail.com
774-722-5919