Why Etiquette?  16 Reasons
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

To explore the class offerings and the Valentine Event, please click here.

1.      It’s fun!

2.      When young people are taught how to navigate social situations, they feel confident.

3.      When young people are taught different ways to show kindness, they feel peaceful.

4.      When young people feel confident and peaceful they behave in a civilized manner.

5.      The news is saturated with stories about people acting in uncivilized ways.  We can change the tide with etiquette instruction.

6.      With proper instruction, it will be less likely that people will decline invitations to dances, dinners, ceremonies, parties and the like because they are too anxious or uncomfortable about going.

7.      When people know which glass or bread bowl is theirs, which fork to use or whether they are supposed to take their used plate back to the buffet for seconds or get a new one, they will experience less anxiety and fewer embarrassing moments.

8.      The basic practice of nice posture, good eye contact and a proper handshake will leave a lasting impression to the receiver.  They might not even know why they liked you best out of all of the job applicants, but they WILL like you best.

9.      When children are taught to present themselves well as a way of earning respect and this is practiced and instilled over the years, they are going to think twice as teens about becoming drug or alcohol intoxicated, because they know they will experience an inability to maintain their dignity when they are under the influence.  It won't feel good or right.

10.  A person who recognizes and respects proper behavior will more likely choose a boyfriend/girlfriend who emulates the same qualities.  Keep this fact in mind...a person ALMOST ALWAYS chooses a partner not more than one emotional, behavioral or intellectual level above or below their own.

11.  Those who are trained and taught to value excellence will strive for excellence.  They are people who will want to set goal after goal and be better and better than they were the time before.

12.  These young people will be a joy to have in class.

13.  They are taught problem solving skills.  They learn how to slow down and think a situation through AND to think on their feet.  There's much less of an instinct to lash out.  Kindness is emphasized in lieu of kicking and scraping through a difficult situation.

14.  Kindness is emphasized in helping people recognize their own feelings when they have been left out or ignored or passed over, for example at a gathering when no one spoke to them, or the first day in a new school and the students didn't include them.  In turn, they take the opportunity to recognize the left out and make others feel welcome rather than stay in their comfort zone with their own friends.

15.  Learning the value of self-respect is like “drawing a line in the sand.”  Such as, “This is the way one behaves socially.  To behave in another way is distasteful, regardless of the circumstances.”  In this instance, it doesn’t matter if someone is annoying them unintentionally or purposefully trying to start something, one maintains their composure and thinks through their options.

16.  Old day etiquette held more absolutes AND our culture (and the world) was just more saturated with people who grew up learning by example or instruction and correction.  There weren’t so many distractions and choices.  In our day, we see that the anchors of social skills and customs have fallen by the wayside.  Choices and distractions abound.  Bringing back some of the anchors will make us a kinder group of people.  It will help us develop closer, more meaningful relationships and be more fulfilled.

a.      We can send invitations by about a dozen social media sites, via our computer, smart phone, flip phone, friend of a friend and other ways I probably don’t even know about.  Whereas, there were essentially TWO ways to invite a friend to your house, either in pen and paper form or person to person. 

b.      We can mail or hand out personalized Christmas cards to our loved ones a good friends, OR we can do a mass mailing or social media tweet  to every acquaintance, whether we have even met them in person or not.  Bringing back some of the anchors will make us a kinder group of people.  It will help us develop closer, more meaningful interactions.

c.       In days past, people were concerns about the needs of their neighbor and those in their community.  Today, we bury our heads in our computer screens with conflict all over the world.  We post our opinions about it.  We judge others who don’t see it our way…these issues that are worlds away.  We can even become outspoken in our own community about these far-away issues, alienating ourselves and others who we interact with every day.

The Golden Rule - “So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.”  Matthew 7:12  

To explore the class offerings and the Valentine Event, please click here.

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

Back by POPULAR demand, Cape Cod Mom Adviser Tracy Lamperti has posted her upcoming Etiquette Classes for September.  Space is limited so call, email, whatever you need to do so you can get in to these amazing classes!  For more information on her classes check out the Etiquette Series!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

If we don’t teach them, and give them opportunities to practice, why would we expect them to use these skills?

By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant
Photography by Kelly Cronin Photography, taken at Chatham Bars Inn, June 7th, 2014
Etiquette Series

Beautiful Smiles!

Let’s face it.  Our children have beautiful smiles!  There are lots of ways to get a smile.  I saw this on a tea bag once and a Google search credits it to Phyllis Diller.  “A smile is a curve that sets everything straight..”  I’m all too guilty of being too rushed to just reflect the smile back to my children or to calm their worries with a smile. The Shake How many times have you experienced an awkward handshake?  The other person doesn’t make any indication that they are going to make their hand available for a shake.  They extend their hand but it just hangs there.  They shake so firmly that inside your head you are saying, “What the heck!?  Too firm!”  Very often, children don’t expect that others are going to acknowledge them with a handshake.  When an adult, or even another child extends their hand to your child, I’m sure you would feel best if your child had the experience and confidence to reach out their hand.  In class we practiced weekly handshakes and even had some fun with it.  We evaluated, “Too firm.”  “Awkward.”  “Wet noodle.”  “Just right.”  Here, you can see a very confident young lady practicing her skill, with her younger sister looking on.

What to do with the Napkin? 

 If you look around at the guests at your own table and neighboring tables you will see that it is entirely NOT obvious to many what should be done with the napkin.  In class, our girls took great pleasure in unfolding their napkin to the half fold and placing it on their lap with the folded side at the waist and you can see them using this skill at the Chatham Bars Inn!

Pleasant Conversation

“A little silence is normal.  A lot of silence is awkward.  Pleasant conversations and don’t leave anyone out.”  These were my words every week to the small groups of girls practicing tea and cookies.

It isn’t a big surprise that without guidance and expectations, girls and boys can find their topics trailing off on the silly and even rude path.   Next thing you know, you’ve got a giggle attack! Don’t get me wrong.  I have had my share of Thanksgiving dinners where someone, inevitably ends up blowing milk out their nose because of that cousin who can’t keep it appropriate! That might be fine for slumber parties or beach picnics, but not expected during most dining experiences.

In class, we had some girls who knew each other and some who didn’t.  They learned how important it is to notice when someone isn’t contributing to the conversations and how to bring them in.  You all know, there are adults who haven’t even mastered this skill.

Fingers or Fork and Knife?

In class we played a guessing game with a list of foods for this question.  I was very impressed to hear the girls quietly and politely asking how to approach the bacon at CBI.  The beauty here…they had been taught to ask questions if they weren’t sure, and they did ask.  They remembered the game and its purpose.  They desired to do it correctly and their questions were based in wanting to eat their bacon confidently, rather than be nervous about making a mistake.  Btw, exceedingly crunchy bacon should be picked up with fingers, even in a fancy restaurant, otherwise, cut with fork and knife.  However, two fingers should be used rather than gripping the bacon like an ice cream cone.  Here you see our youngest student, 5 years old!!! happily and confidently attending the very fancy breakfast at CBI (and loving her bacon)!

Sorry no classes posted yet.  Will do asap.  I’m gearing up for a trip to Arizona for intensive training in hypnotherapy.  Still planning classes for September.

Put manners together with confidence and our young people are going to be winners and leaders!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

The Fine Art of Etiquette
By Tracy Lamperti,
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant
Photography by Kelly Cronin Photography, at Chatham Bars Inn, 
June 7th, 2014
Etiquette Series

The benefits of teaching young people manners and etiquette are seen at home, in the community and in the classroom.  There is such enormous pressure, pretty much from when the child is in the womb, to begin stimulating their brain.  It is all well intended.  We want our children to be smart and successful.  I’m sure “smart” and “successful” are equated with happiness.  From headphones channeling classical music through the belly, to Little Einstein videos for our pre-talkers, to interactive electronic games with bells and whistles for our toddlers, to ipads for all ages, we are trying to pave the way for our children to a successful future.

I’m not criticizing or saying these things are bad or even unnecessary.  Look at me here.  I’m barely out of my first trimester and I’m infusing my little one with Mozart!

But more and more, our children are entering preschool lacking the skills of “please and thank you.”  We, as a culture have normalized this by saying that this milestone comes later, AFTER they have experienced the social world of preschool.  Somehow they move on to kindergarten with much of their alphabet under their belt, but still no “P’s and T’s” without being prompted.

Aside from the fact that it is just refreshing to be with a happy, polite child (even if they don’t know the whole alphabet or how to count to 100), there are good reasons to undertake a diligent effort to teach our children these skills of social grace, equal to, or greater than the efforts that are going into academic knowledge.

·         Proper behavior, manners and knowing how to present oneself are the backbone for confidence, self-respect and respect for others. 

·         Contrary to what many people think, intelligence is a poor predictor of personal, academic and professional success.  Emotional IQ is where it’s at!

·         Harvard University Stanford Research Institute, and Carnegie Foundation found that 85% of our career success depends on social skills.

·         43% of teachers in public schools spend more time dealing with behavioral issues than they do teaching. (April 2003, Public Agenda)

·         In an ABC News Poll in 1999, 85% of respondents felt that the world would be a better place if we just said “please” and “thank you” more often.

·         Someday, everyone is going to be at a school dance, banquet, dinner, church service like a wedding or a funeral, on a date, invited to the girl/boyfriend’s parent’s house for dinner.  In my experience, people are often reluctant to go to special events, or suffer unnecessary levels of anxiety because of not being sure about how to act or what to do.

Studies also show that children are more receptive to instruction and direction on issues of manners and etiquette from non-family members in a learning setting. 

It was such a wonderful experience teaching this group of nine girls and enjoying our last meeting at Chatham Bars Inn.  To see these young ladies practicing their newly learned skills in such a beautiful environment was an experience for all of us!

I have heard the request for a boy’s class and there is one in the works.  I look forward to teaching many more young people these valuable skills that they will carry with them wherever they go.

Check in on next week’s blog post for a link to new classes, beginning in September!

Put manners together with confidence and our young people are going to be winners and leaders!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant

ALL NEW from Lamperti Counseling & Consultation
Proper behavior, manners and knowing how to present oneself are the backbone for confidence, self-respect and respect for others.  Contrary to what many people think, intelligence is a poor predictor of personal, academic and professional success.  
Pair manners with confidence and our girls are going to be winners and leaders!

Lamperti Counseling & Consultation
Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
www.tracylamperti.com
lamperticc@gmail.com
My Blog
 
774-722-5919

by Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS

What’s in a title?
 
Does it matter what you teach your child to call their friend’s mom?
 
Seems like the only ones feeling awkward here are the adults who are teaching their children to address adults by their title – Mrs., Mr., Ms., Miss., and their children.
 
30 years ago, as a child, I can remember feeling awkward about what to call my friend’s mom.  I had been taught to address adults by their title, yet, every other person my age was calling her by her first name.
 
There has been a shift (maybe not in the South, or in some other countries) where children are being taught by example and instruction to address adults by their first name.  The exception being with doctors and teachers.
 
Because it is so awkward, many parents who believe that using titles is an important aspect of teaching a child proper manners, have abandon their efforts to do so.
 
Are we now value-neutral?  If our child’s friend’s mom is not married but in a long-term relationship, is our
child to call her, Mrs. (the child’s last name), Mrs. (the boyfriend’s last name), Ms. (her last name), Miss (her last name).  Or, enough already…her first name will suffice.
 
If I introduce my child to an older woman at church as “Mrs. Smith” and Mrs. Smith smiles and says, “Oh, that makes me feel so old! (giggle-giggle), call me Marge”…then what?
 
And what does my child do when he shows up at soccer practice the first day and the coach says, “My name is John.  I’ll be your coach this year.”
 
And what about if half the Girl Scouts in my troop call me “Tracy” and the other half call me “Mrs. Lamperti.”  Then who feels awkward?
 
Myths

1.      Calling an adult by their title and last name makes the adult sound or feel old.
Many people say this.  Google some newlywed images and tell me if those couples look old.  I think not!  They are pronounced “Man and Wife…you may kiss the bride…” and then the preacher says, “I now present to you, MR. AND MRS. JONES!” Everyone claps and the happy couple depart down the aisle.  The title is a privilege!

 
2.      A child will be more trusting and be able to confide in an adult more if they are on a first name basis.
Maybe, maybe not.  There are no studies that show children have a harder time trusting adults whom they address with a title.  On the contrary, a mature and responsible adult with a title, who shows care and concern for a child can make a child feel very safe.
 
3.      “Respect” for an adult doesn’t come from the adult having a title, it comes from the adult treating the child with respect.
True – we have to start with a foundation of the adult treating the child well.  Once that is equal, in fact, there is a two-part benefit from a child using a title.  The child is able to remember that the adult has different responsibilities than the child, to teach, care for, protect, guide, etc.  The adult is able to remember that they (the adult) are not a child and own these responsibilities.  When the boundary gets blurred, even by something as simple as a title (or lack of), the child can begin to take the liberty to elevate their status and the adult can begin to slip into down to the child’s level of maturity, responsibility and accountability.  Children do not have the same level of responsibility and accountability as adults.

4.      Adults who expect a title are “stuck up” or “judgmental.”
Let’s face it.  Titles do mean something.  Mrs. Finnegan, the principal at Eastham Elementary School has a parking spot right in front with her name on it.  She deserves that spot!  She has an important role at
that school and not only should she be regarded as important, but she should have REASONABLE accommodations to allow her work to move ahead smoothly.  When a child is sent to the office for something important, they aren’t going to see Scotti, they are going to see Mrs. Finnegan!  At the same time, Mrs. Finnegan can bring her bike to school and be seen riding down the hall during a special week activity, without any loss of status.
 
I’m afraid we have slipped away from basic standards of etiquette, not only without a good reason, but with negative consequences.  
 
·       Why should it matter if we wear our play clothes vs. our Sunday best to church?
·       Why should it matter if the guy gets the door for us?
·       Why should it matter if we set the table according to a proper place setting?
·       Why should it matter if we slobber our food down our chin (unless you’re a baby)?
·       Why should it matter if our children say “please” and “thank you?”
·       Why should it matter if we drop off a new neighbor package to the new neighbor?
 
Good behavior begets good things for our children.  Children who have learned good manners from their families will be a joy to others in their family, school and  community.  When they get older, they will be more likely to be called back for the second interview.  They will be more confident meeting their girlfriend’s parents.  They will be more likely to think thought good decisions, because they have been taught that some ways are better than other ways.
 
What to do about this issue of what to teach your children to call adults?

1.      Decide with your spouse, boyfriend or a trusted relative or friend what your ideal would be.  You get to decide.

2.     Think through the awkward situations and troubleshoot how you plan to handle them.  Here I am talking about awkward using a title OR not using a title.

3.     Teach your children by example and instruction.  If a situation doesn’t go as expected, re-assure your child that they did the best they could and help them clarify how they will handle it the next time.

4.     Teach your child, when in doubt, the safest route is to use the title.  If the adult wants it another way, it is up to the adult to say so.  You and the child can then sort it out.
 
The point is, you can choose.  You can go with popular culture because either, you feel awkward otherwise or because you agree with popular culture. But you can maintain your standard, even when it goes against popular culture.

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
 
Please see www.tracylamperti.com for more information about family dynamics and helping your children to thrive.  If you would like 1:1 assistance, please contact Tracy Lamperti for a consultation.
 
Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Psychotherapist, Educator, Consultant
  My Blog
My Website
 lamperticc@gmail.com
774-722-5919