Successful Children 4 of 4
Signs of Success in Young Children
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

The first post in this series focused on catering to the every need of our infant and baby.  

The second post in this series focused on the Parental Shift as we begin to show and to teach your little ones that they can capture the thunder by having the feeling of accomplishing something on their own.

The third post in this series focused on instilling awesome habits.

Welcome to the fourth post, summary and moving on.

1. Vision and Health - It all starts with vision and a healthy you.  If you are newly pregnant or working on conception, write down your hopes and dreams for this new life.  It will be good to refer to through the good and tough times.  Take care of YOU!
2. Limitless Love - With our infants, give them limitless love and affection to enhance physical, emotional and brain growth.
3. PLAY!  PLAY!  PLAY!
4. The Thunder - Step aside and take pride through observation when your child is about to reach a new milestone.  Don’t steal their thunder!  This is the beginning of a child feeling pride and joy in their OWN power to make a new connection and reach a new level.  This is intrinsic satisfaction, when a child feels good inside from what they have accomplished.  
5. Easy Does it on the Praise - Avoid showering with praise.  Shower with happiness and love instead of praise.  Praise, like marbles in a jar serve a purpose at times but generally works poorly to bring about a lasting change, partly because the adults often lack consistency and partly because these methods bring temporary extrinsic satisfaction and children need more and more to feel satisfied.  When a child makes their bed or brushes their teeth, the prize is that everyone feels happy and there is time and energy to spend on positive things.  If they don’t do what was expected of them, the energy is wasted on negativity.  
6. Enough Static Already! - Avoid wiring them up with anxiety by overexposure to anything with a screen or plug and emotional conflict.
7. Routines and Boundaries - Routines and boundaries lead to feelings of safety, not anxiety.  They organize life and instill confidence.
8. Family - Be a FAMILY.  Help children learn what it means to be part of something bigger and who they can turn to when they want to rejoice over accomplishments and get support over failure.
9. PLAY!  PLAY!  PLAY!
10. Presentation - Present well and look your best.  This leads to confidence and success.  Adults (and younger people) most commonly decline an invite because the invite is to go somewhere and do something that is out of their comfort zone.  You may not be Catholic, but if your child has never known the experience of cleaning up and entering the church.  You may not be the dress up and go to a fancy restaurant type of family but some day your child is going to go to a prom, or be asked to be in a wedding party.  We want them to have the confidence to ask questions of a trusted friend or relative and accept the invite.  The alternative may be being more comfortable hanging out in the basement of a friend’s house playing video games.
11. Success through Failure - Embrace failure, don’t let it crush you.  Most truly successful people have “lost it all” more than once.
12. Tolerate Bad Feelings - Learn to tolerate bad feelings.  When we learn skills to work though tough things, we can be solvers.  When we try to cover them up, we can become addicts.
13. Surrounded by Success - Know that part of being successful is wanting others to be successful with you.  We don’t crush others to be at the top.  
14. Dole it Out Carefully - Parents need to dole out a little bit of freedom at a time.  They are in your care until age 17 or 18.  During that time they accumulate skills little by little.  They get to be in charge of a little bit at a time but they are still accountable to you.  Knowing that one is always accountable to someone is crucial.  As children, we are accountable to our parents. As adolescents we are accountable to our parents and the community.  As adults, we are accountable to society and the law.  The more excuses we make for our children, the farther down we spiral away from civility, because we are raising a generation of “me” thinkers.
15. Faith - Our children need faith.  Teach them what you believe about morals, integrity, religion, life and death.  As in the story of the untended strawberry, you have to guide your children’s heart.

This story was told by my pastor many years ago.  I don’t know where it originated or if I am going to get it exactly right, but here goes.

A man came to visit another man with a strawberry patch.  The man with the strawberry patch said to the other man, “Would you like to see my strawberry patch?”  They went through the gate and the visitor said, “This doesn’t look like a strawberry patch.”  And the other man, who hadn’t tended to his patch at all said, “I’m waiting for them to grow up and see if they would like to be strawberries.”

If you want beautiful strawberries, you have to tend to the patch.

What an amazing future lies ahead for your child!

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

Successful Children 3 of 4
Signs of Success in Young Children
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation


The first post in this series focused on catering to the every need of our infant and baby.  

The second post in this series focused on the Parental Shift as we begin to show and to teach your little ones that they can capture the thunder by having the feeling of accomplishing something on their own.

In this third post, the focus is instilling awesome habits.

10 Habits of Successful Children Parents Can Instill

1. Sleep in the dark and quiet.  

Schedules are so variable these days with parents working opposite schedules or there being only one parent in the home.  In both of these cases, families are “just getting by” when it comes to getting everything done.  Healthy meals, family time and bedtime routines can become sketchy.  All too often, parents are just exhausted and are willing to lay down, and even fall asleep in their child’s bed, or just let it be if the child ends up in bed with them.  Sometimes, to avoid this in order to get the dishes done, or for the parents to go “off mommy/daddy duty” parents will put a TV in the child’s room, or a tablet, etc. and let IT lull the child to sleep.  In this case, we have children whose brain doesn’t learn to go into rest mode.  There is noise, often times the noise is topic related, rather than “white noise,” which means the child’s mind is at work on what they are hearing.  There is light, and not even steady dim nightlight light, but flickering light, which comes through even closed eyelids.  This is not good for children on so many levels


      2. Know how to laugh.

Children who have a good sense of humor, channeled appropriately are more fun to be around, bring people together, stimulate positive social interaction and are all around happier.  Happy children have more energy and more ideas.  We are not talking about the foolish, amoral laugh topics, such as Sponge Bob and we are not talking about children with disruptive laughter.  As parents, we need to encourage children to express themselves, but understand that we need to safeguard them from becoming overly silly at inopportune times.  That will drive people away.


      3. Learn to turn frustrations into curiosities.

A child who will try and try again is often this way by nature.  They are the child who you find in the hall trying to tie their shoes because they saw and another child tying their shoes.  Those who aren’t that way by nature, we as parents can help them develop this muscle.  By not always being in a rush, we can teach them that we have time to show them how to learn to tie their shoes.  When they are a bit slower at the dinner table, we will show them that it will all work out and we can encourage them along.  A child who can organized the game on the playground will be a successful child.


      4. Listen and observe others.

My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.  ~James 1:19

It is good when we take time to be patient, good listeners to our children.  But that’s not enough.  We have to teach them by example AND by telling them and cuing them.  For some children this comes naturally, but other children need to be guided in the moment until they get a feel for the give and take of communication.


      5.  Never step over someone to get to where they want to be.

A child should be taught that everyone has a gift and something to offer and that they should never trample on another person’s idea or feelings.  Being patient and humble are excellent qualities to be imparting to our children.


      6.   Realize that presenting themselves well in dress, speech and manners will earn them more opportunities and open more doors.  

Back in “my day”…on Sunday we wore our Sunday best to church.  Now it isn’t uncommon to see people, young and old, wearing any old thing for clothes, tucked in or not, clean or not, and crocks on their feet.  I see young people who have no idea that they are even supposed to look their best when they go on a job interview, or to church.  Going to school, we wanted to look our best and weren’t even allowed to wear shorts.  A job interview may not matter for 10 years, but when these ideas have already been instilled, they come much more naturally.


        7. See failure not as a dirty word, but as an experience to learn from.  

The late Jim Rhon gave the following example; A guy sets a bar so high and says, who wants to jump over it?  Lots of people say, “No, I can’t jump that high.”  Some people say, “I’ll give it a try.”  They knock the bar over and go sit down.  A third group says, “I’ll give it a try!”  They knock it over and immediately get filled with new energy and motivation to try again with a different strategy!  


          8. Experience that being disciplined feels bad, but that the person who is disciplining them will help them grow out of the behavior that was disciplined and show them new ways of conquering things.  

Our children are going to make mistakes, we just don’t want to leave them there in the mistake.  We need to help them collect more tools in their toolbox. 


         9.  Learns how to use their imagination.  We see table and chairs, they see a fort.

Practice asking your child to think of “possibilities” in a situation.  We are always solving things for our children.  


         10.  Have an analog clock in the main area of the house and are taught how to tell time.

A child who doesn’t understand the passage of time and how to manage it is linked to the parent for everything.  This is one of those examples of “knowledge is power.”  Digital clocks should be banned from the child’s view.

What an amazing future lies ahead for your child!

Successful Children 
Part 2 of 4
Signs of Success in Young Children
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

The first post in this series focused on catering to the every need of our infant and baby.  A respected professor of mine in undergrad school once said, “Psychotherapy is ‘genuine need gratification.’” ~ Cesareo Pelaez   Pelaez was mentored by Abraham Maslow in his psychology studies after coming to America by way of fleeing Fidel Castro’s regime in Cuba.  Maslow, of course, is known by anyone who has taken a basic psychology course, as the father of humanistic psychology and his hierarchy of needs.

Very basically, the idea is that one must meet each basic need in order to work to fullful the next need.  Infants and babies need their most basic needs met in their first year to have a solid foundation.  As children grow, they of course still need the basic needs met but can begin to move into the more advanced needs, such as to build relationships, gain confidence and make achievements.  As you see, in this theory, things like achievements are needs.  However, they are needs that one must meet on their own, or they are really not met at all.

In this second post in the Success Series, we see how important it is for parents to shift from meeting ALL of the needs of their little one to begin to set the stage for their little one to begin to meet their own needs, and realize achievements that they themselves can attain.

The Two Wheeler

A good example is learning to ride a two wheeler.  There is a small but profound gap between a parent balancing the bike for the child to stay upright and the point where the child is peddling on their own strength and balance.  At one moment the child is completely dependent on the parent and at the next moment the child is completely dependent on their own self.  There is really no bridge, but a leap must be taken.  Any of us who have accomplished this feat know that feeling of being completely full of esteem after a period of being completely dependent.

Ideas for the Parental Shift

1. As stated in the first post, successful children are beginning to understand there is a time and a place for everything.  Eating and drinking is a very good example of this.  A child whose parent teaches them that we engage in these activities during certain times and at certain places, learns to organize this in their brain.  They also learn to understand that they are not in control of everything and must adapt to the expectations of the leadership, just as they will be required to do in preschool and kindergarten.
2. A successful child is beginning to learn that not everything is on their schedule.  They will eat with the family and nap and sleep, within reason, at the times that their parent deems appropriate.
3. A successful child is beginning to understand that there is a time for taking out and a time for putting away.  As children are learning that everything has its place, they can begin to understand that that includes their products of toileting as well.  
4. Successful children have parents who are not always making excuses for them, like, “They’re not ready for that.” Or “They are tired.”  It can be very helpful for a parent to read all of the parenting books and see how all of their friends are parenting, but at some point, a mom and a dad need to sit down and be realistic about what they want for their child.  If yours is a single parent home, it can be really helpful to have a particular friend or relative that partners up with you around these conversations.  Parents who work together on what they wish for their child and what they expect from their child, consistently have children who achieve to the next level.  We aren’t looking for highly controlled superstars to emerge from our children.  We are just looking for consistent progress and parents who are leading.
5. Successful children have parents who don’t get caught up in worrying about hurting their child’s feelings or “self-esteem.”  They understand that a natural consequence of acting badly is having bad feelings.  This parent can address the issue and support the child in making a change.  When our child gets themselves into a mess, the last thing we want to do is leave them there.  We want to be a bridge to help them get out of the mess and on the right track.  Many times over I process “child issues” with parents.  I hear about the issue, the consequence (if there was one) and that’s the end of the story.  Parents need to know that the treasure lies in the “after story.”  That is where the insight is gained, the lesson learned and the relationship built.
6. Successful children have plenty of basic tools for learning in their toy collection.  Blocks and books are better than apps and electronics.  Don’t get me wrong.  I loved the Leap Pad products for my children.  And seriously, there are a lot of really cool electronics for children these days!  Still, imagination and self-stimulation, rather than immediate feedback from electronics is far better.  Our children will catch up to whatever they need to know electronically in good time.
7. Successful children spend very little time watching TV and videos.  When they are watching TV or video, they are watching it to watch it.  Not just for noise and distractions.  In other words, if they are watching a TV show or series, they really want to see what it is all about and enjoy it, not just have it on while they are eating, tossing toys about or wrestling with their sibling.
8. Successful children have parents who aren’t stingy with praise, but also don’t shower their children with praise.  Like in post #1, we steal their thunder when we are too quick to praise or we over praise.
9. Successful children have parents who can get down to their level for good communication but speak in an adult voice and have a good amount of give and take in the conversation.  Parents need to check to be sure that children understood them and to get some feedback from the child.  It’s always curious to see that a 3 year old whom the parent refers to as “the baby” typically doesn’t act at all like a 3 year old.  There are preschools that I have observed and there is a marked difference between those where the adults talk in a high pitched sing-songy voice and those where the adults talk in a friendly adult voice.
10. Successful children have a chance to just “be.”  They aren’t being run around all day, night and weekends to daycare, school, puppet shows, dance, karate, ice cream, etc….We parents have so many stresses when it comes to income, work schedules and pressure from peers to create the perfect life for our children.  Parents need to figure out their needs, their children’s needs and make the schedule that works for them.  Built in to the schedule needs to be down time.  Consistent down-time is necessary for family dinner, Saturday morning house cleaning, family walks, reading books, building forts, etc.

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

Successful Children Series
Part 1 of 4
Conception - One Year
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

Since this is the first post in the series, I will start where it all begins; 

1. Have your best possible pregnancy.  Things, emotions and health concerns happen, but do all you can to nurture your mind, body and soul during your pregnancy so in turn, your little one will get the best possible start.  
2. Surround yourself with people who want to nurture you and your pregnancy.  
3. Practice attachment parenting.  In the infant stage, give baby all of the attention he or she seem to be asking for.  If you breast feed, do it on demand.  If you bottle feed, do it as recommended by your pediatrician, but cuddle on demand.  
4. As often as possible, give your baby eye contact and facial expressions to match the mood.  As you see in Dr. Tronick’s Still Face Experiment, here, the impact on babies when their primary caregiver ignores them is profound and happens almost immediately.  Baby needs our FULL attention often!  If it is between your baby and your electronic device, choose your baby.  
5. Play with your baby often.  Learn to do the play routine in a way that each time your baby is on the verge of a new skill, give them a chance to do it.  If you are stacking blocks and baby picks one up, give the little one a chance to do it.  Don’t steal baby’s thunder!  
6. Be careful with praise.  Don’t be stingy, but don’t over-praise either.  When you over-praise, you steal baby’s thunder.  The accomplishment is their very own special praise feeling and it is generated by them, as it will also be in the future!  Join them in their excitement, but be careful not to BE their excitement.
7. Keep conflicts away from baby.  Baby will have no idea what the trouble is, but their brain will begin to get wired for tension.  If baby is going to be confident, the extent of bad feelings they should be navigating are things like hunger, gas and other pain.  If you have trouble keeping conflict away from baby, ask for support from a close friend or relative.
8. Turn OFF the TV when you are playing with baby and even when your baby is playing in her bouncy seat.  Baby doesn’t need the highs and lows of the TV volume, voices or emotions being depicted.  Even if it is a children’s show, just keep in mind, is she happy with the toys on the mat?  Is she happy with Cookie Monster?  Does she need both to be happy.  If not, let the little one focus in on one thing at a time.
9. It won’t take long to start noticing patterns and routines forming.  This is an excellent time to start thinking about boundaries and limits.  Where an infant gets to nurse whenever he or she wants, it may not be helpful to let a 9 month old crawl around the floor with a bottle hanging out of her mouth. Routines and schedules are boundaries and boundaries can be so helpful to children as they get older in knowing who they are, who keeps them safe, who guides their behavior and how to be a good citizen.   They are also very good for teaching a child how to organize their behavior, emotions and belongings.  Exactly what purpose does it serve to let a child keep a sippy cup knocked over on the floor, to be picked up and tossed to the side at will.  This child will learn to have a drink or a snack just because it is there.  It will set them up for poor table habits that parents then move on to excuse as the child “not being ready to sit at the table with family for dinner.”  I see this lasting well into the toddler years.  The benefits of teaching children there is a time and a place for everything outweigh any benefits of free-range eating.   
10. Try not to confuse when it comes to yes and no.  I don’t know whose idea it was to redefine “No thank you.” And “Yes please.”  I think the intent was to show the child by example courtesy in communication, so they will be courteous also.  But all it ends up as is confusion.  I was recently at an appointment, let’s just say for example, getting my nails done.  Another customer had their child (a toddler) with them.  A very darling child at that!  The little one would not stop pulling the supplies off the shelf and the mother could be heard saying, “No thank you John.  No supplies.  No thank you.”  “No Thank You” – over and over and over again.  As if his behavior was supposed to change as a courtesy.  More recently I was at a restaurant where a large family was having some type of celebration near our table.  The child (toddler), would not stay put in his seat and did not want to eat anything.  The mother could be seen and heard trying to get food in his mouth while saying, “yes please…yes please hot dog…yes please.”  This was doing nothing to persuade the child to comply.  If something isn’t working, either try another way or let it go.  Every time our approach fails, our children experience the sense of failure. Sometimes this leads to empowerment for the child to misbehave even more, or just become angry.  We are looking for experiences of success.

Not every child is going to be SELF-DRIVEN to success and there is nothing wrong with that…..Successful children have two identifiable qualities; 1. they don’t see the ceiling of their success but instead think they can accomplish anything, and 2. they have a healthy understanding of boundaries, not because they really understand the importance of boundaries or even see how they are being set, but because they have been taught by example that this way or that way is safe, is expected and will help them go confidently into the next phase.

Infants thrive on love.  Babies and toddlers thrive on love AND limits.  For success after the infant stage, we need an abundance of both!

Finally, if you as a mom feel like you are in need of more successful experiences, reach out!  

• Seek others who are inspired in their own life and want to inspire others. 
• Think back to people in your life who supported you and made you feel safe and helped you figure out the next step in a difficult moment.  Seek those people out and if those people are not available, look for others who show similar qualities.  Maybe you feel supported by someone who makes good eye contact with you, or someone whom you just feel comfortable in their presence.

The more successful you feel, the better you will be able to think outside of the box and to crush perceived barriers for yourself and for your child.  

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation