This is part of our PTSD series by Melissa. By: Melissa Thurber I am a mother of 2 amazing children. My daughter is 12 and my son is 6. I absolutely love them with all of my heart and would do anything to make sure they have a loving and caring mother to be by their side. As I have stated in a previous post, I have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from my deployment to Iraq in 2003 until 2005. PTSD makes you feel like you want to disassociate yourself from the world. It causes frustration, depression, isolation, insomnia, anger outbursts, anxiety, and a multitude of other symptoms. It can make you feel like something bad is always going to happen. PTSD also brings about a symptom that I wish did not exist. It is almost impossible to feel emotions like someone without PTSD would. It is VERY hard to be a parent with PTSD. Before I left for Iraq, I used to always let my daughter be a kid who needs to learn to fall and get back up. I used to let her run free on playgrounds while I watched, and guided her in areas that may not be age appropriate, but we all (as parents) want to let our kids push the limits to see how well they do! Now, I don’t even take my children to the park, my husband does. My son is a very hyper child who loves to be a boy and play swords, climb things, get dirty, run around like crazy, and just be a boy! I can’t watch him do these things because I am ALWAYS fearful with everything he does that he is going to get hurt. I was never like this in the past like I said, but now it is something that affects me greatly. I am pretty sure that everyone experiences a form or anxiety at some point in their lives. Some of you multiple times and some live with anxiety disorders. With PTSD, your anxiety never goes away. Loud noises WILL trigger anxiety. Fluctuation in a person’s voice with an uncertain tone, crowds, stores, and the list goes on and on. For me even a question from my children while I am in the middle of doing something will cause anxiety. It is a hard thing to deal with. I have to put myself in “Time Outs” like we do to our children because the anxiety will get that bad and what happens with high anxiety levels? Anger. If I don’t step away during an anxiety attack and just breathe for a few minutes, my anxiety can turn into an unwanted anger. I hate to admit it but my children have been on the receiving end of this anger. Up until a few years ago I had a hard time distinguishing when the anxiety would turn to anger. I would yell at my kids at the top of my lungs for just being kids. My husband would step in and scold me for getting mad at the kids which in turn would cause more anger. I believe he would do it so that my anger would be redirected at him. Now, I can recognize (after a lot of VERY HARD WORK) when this anxiety could turn into anger. I step away now BEFORE I get angry. And in turn, my children don’t get scolded or feel unloved by my actions. This does not mean I don’t struggle with snapping at them from time to time and not being as attentive as I should be. I still struggle every day to NOT snap at my kids when chaos ensues. Then there is depression. Depression MAJORLY affects your ability to parent. When I get in my depressed modes (I still have yet to figure out how to get out of the funks) all I want to do is hide in my room and do nothing. I just want to curl up into a ball in my bed and put on the television and zone out on Netflix. I don’t want to be bothered. I don’t want those sweet hugs from my children and husband. (Fortunately I have a loving and caring husband who when he is home allows me to have my alone time.) What I do though, is put on a good front. If Blake comes in and says, “Mommy can I give you a hug?” I always say, “Of course” and give him a hug. Is it wanted? I always want hugs from my children, but sometime not at that very moment. Do I hate my child because I do not want to show affection? Absolutely NOT. I love them with all of my heart. I’m sure some of you are reading this and thinking to yourselves, WOW this mother is heartless. Trust me, I think that too. But here is what I do to make sure my CHILDREN don’t think that. I fake it until I make it. That is right. Fake it. I play with my kids and keep all the anxiety balled up inside until I have time to decompress at night. I give hugs when Im depressed because THEY don’t deserve a crappy mother. I walk away when my anxiety gets too much because Delanie and Blake do not need to be yelled at for being kids. And, I tuck them in at night to make sure they both know how much I love them, even if it seems at times that it is a flawed love. I still try to live a normal life even with PTSD. I do activities with my children. I take them to events and movies even though I hate crowds. I play with them in the backyard as long as my anxiety doesn’t get in the way. I snuggle with them on the couch while watching movies even when I feel I want to be alone. We sit down for family dinners. We do EVERYTHING normal families do. I just live with struggles that I have to deal with every day. I work hard to make sure my children don’t struggle because I do. PTSD is a very tough thing to live with but it IS possible. We are a happy family 90% of the time and we are working towards that 95% mark, because let’s face it, we can’t all be perfect 100% of the time! You can check out my work at: www.melissajthurber.com If you would like to make a donation to support my PTSD Book: www.gofundme.com/fundingforptsdbook
28 Comments
2/18/2014 07:38:13 am
Oh man, that must be such a struggle. I think my husband had PTSD from when he was over after 9/11 (before we met), but he's better now - or maybe he just bottles it?
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2/18/2014 07:53:25 am
Hugs to you first of all, because I can't imagine dealing with something like that while raising kids, because just being a parent is hard enough sometimes. You are a wonderful Mom because you are doing the best that you can right now, and your children will love you even more for that. :)
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2/18/2014 07:56:58 am
I'm so sorry that you struggle with PTSD! I will pray for you! You are a strong momma though and those babies know they're loved! :)
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2/18/2014 08:02:10 am
I hope and pray that you are getting all the help that you need. You are being the best mom that you can be - I definitely see that. How hard it must be for you to do it every.single.day. Thank you for the service you gave to our country and the cost that you paid. I know you have to find a lot of your own resources for help with PTSD. I hope you are getting the most.
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Sandra
2/18/2014 08:38:15 am
I am so sorry and will pray for you and your family as your combat PTSD. Those pictures are amazing of your kids. And you are blessed!
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Amy Desrosiers
2/18/2014 09:05:26 am
Thank you for serving our country! I have undiagnosed PTSD from almos dying in a house fire
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Shauna
2/18/2014 09:22:42 am
Wow, what a struggle.. I know it is totally not the same thing, but when I was a teenager, I suffered from anxiety attacks and when I was pressured to handle a situation during an attack I would go on the offensive and blow up... especially towards my parents. It was horrible, if I didn't walk away I would become someone I did not want to be. Sometimes walking away to breath is the best thing you can do.
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2/18/2014 09:31:39 am
I send prayers of strength to you. You are a wonderful person and are working hard to deal with your struggles. My son has been deployed several times and I know he has problems. I thank you for your service.
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Cyndie
2/18/2014 11:56:28 am
I am sorry you are going through this. I think writing about it helps a lot, too. Thanks for sharing your story.
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I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You should be so proud of yourself for being so strong for your kids! I would never say you're being heartless. If anything, you're opening your heart up to others who may be going through the same things you are, and may learn from you.
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2/18/2014 01:54:59 pm
Huge hugs to you, thank you for being so brave to speak up and share your story, I know this is not easy to talk about. I can only begin to imagine how difficult this is for you. I lived through a traumatic suicide in my family and every day since then I've been so fearful that my other loved ones will be hurt. I feel almost like things are too perfect and the rug will be pulled out from under me again at any given time...the cloud of doom is there despite how unlikely it is that anything bad will actually happen. I can't even begin to imagine how anxious you must feel being a parent, and what you lived through being in a warzone. Sending you hugs as you work your way to that 95% mark.
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Hugs. I know it's hard to open up but sometimes it's best to get something out rather than letting it eat you up inside. I don't think you are horrible. We all have hard days. Keep your chin up. Just to let you know, I also battle depression. The only way I can keep it at bay is by running. I jump on the treadmill and run. It eases the stress.
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2/18/2014 02:14:11 pm
You are not a heartless mother! You are going through something that is very difficult, and I hope it gets better for you. At least you are trying to work things out– a heartless mother wouldn't even care. I applaud you. I hope it gets easier <3
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2/18/2014 03:25:53 pm
I think you're doing an admirable job of working around the PTSD. I hope that it will dissipate in time though.
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Robyn
2/18/2014 04:00:59 pm
I suffer from extreme anxiety, so I can only imagine what you are going through.
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2/18/2014 04:46:29 pm
Thank you for your service and for sharing your story, which I'm sure will help so many people. Sending you lots of good thoughts, and hope that it gets easier over time.
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2/19/2014 12:07:29 am
You just educated me in something I have never heard of before - thank you!
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2/19/2014 12:24:15 am
Prayers to you and your family. I am proud of you for being so open and honest about your PTSD. Education is the key for dealing with this disorder.
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2/19/2014 03:30:38 am
This is something I can really relate to as the child of a parent with PTSD. My dad was diagnosed at 65, so many years after Vietnam. Once I started learning more, so many things made sense. I love him dearly, and hate to see his struggle.
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Elizabeth Cavallari
2/19/2014 05:38:42 am
Thank you for being so honest and sharing what's going on in your world!
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2/19/2014 06:36:59 am
PTSD is a serious problem that can be the result of all kinds of trauma. It is good that you share your story because it may help others.
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2/19/2014 01:18:23 pm
Amazing pictures, will pray for your family and for your children!
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Lauren
2/20/2014 04:00:21 pm
I can say with no hint of doubt that you, Melissa, are one the finest people I have had the pleasure to know. You are thoughtful, creative, brave, forthright, and compassionate. You work hard for everything that you have and you deserve every ounce of respect and pride that you might be trying gain in dark moments but should always know are there within. You kids are beautiful and brave and smart and so full of potential in large part because they have this amazing woman for a mother.
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Tonya
9/30/2014 05:16:49 am
I have Ptsd and am a mother of three. This was like reading about myself. I was attacked in my home in front of my children. My son also suffers from Ptsd. I can really relate to you. I pray we both get better. Thank you for sharing this story.
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