Successful Children Series - Signs of Success in Young Children

Successful Children 
Part 2 of 4
Signs of Success in Young Children
By Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation

The first post in this series focused on catering to the every need of our infant and baby.  A respected professor of mine in undergrad school once said, “Psychotherapy is ‘genuine need gratification.’” ~ Cesareo Pelaez   Pelaez was mentored by Abraham Maslow in his psychology studies after coming to America by way of fleeing Fidel Castro’s regime in Cuba.  Maslow, of course, is known by anyone who has taken a basic psychology course, as the father of humanistic psychology and his hierarchy of needs.

Very basically, the idea is that one must meet each basic need in order to work to fullful the next need.  Infants and babies need their most basic needs met in their first year to have a solid foundation.  As children grow, they of course still need the basic needs met but can begin to move into the more advanced needs, such as to build relationships, gain confidence and make achievements.  As you see, in this theory, things like achievements are needs.  However, they are needs that one must meet on their own, or they are really not met at all.

In this second post in the Success Series, we see how important it is for parents to shift from meeting ALL of the needs of their little one to begin to set the stage for their little one to begin to meet their own needs, and realize achievements that they themselves can attain.

The Two Wheeler

A good example is learning to ride a two wheeler.  There is a small but profound gap between a parent balancing the bike for the child to stay upright and the point where the child is peddling on their own strength and balance.  At one moment the child is completely dependent on the parent and at the next moment the child is completely dependent on their own self.  There is really no bridge, but a leap must be taken.  Any of us who have accomplished this feat know that feeling of being completely full of esteem after a period of being completely dependent.

Ideas for the Parental Shift

1. As stated in the first post, successful children are beginning to understand there is a time and a place for everything.  Eating and drinking is a very good example of this.  A child whose parent teaches them that we engage in these activities during certain times and at certain places, learns to organize this in their brain.  They also learn to understand that they are not in control of everything and must adapt to the expectations of the leadership, just as they will be required to do in preschool and kindergarten.
2. A successful child is beginning to learn that not everything is on their schedule.  They will eat with the family and nap and sleep, within reason, at the times that their parent deems appropriate.
3. A successful child is beginning to understand that there is a time for taking out and a time for putting away.  As children are learning that everything has its place, they can begin to understand that that includes their products of toileting as well.  
4. Successful children have parents who are not always making excuses for them, like, “They’re not ready for that.” Or “They are tired.”  It can be very helpful for a parent to read all of the parenting books and see how all of their friends are parenting, but at some point, a mom and a dad need to sit down and be realistic about what they want for their child.  If yours is a single parent home, it can be really helpful to have a particular friend or relative that partners up with you around these conversations.  Parents who work together on what they wish for their child and what they expect from their child, consistently have children who achieve to the next level.  We aren’t looking for highly controlled superstars to emerge from our children.  We are just looking for consistent progress and parents who are leading.
5. Successful children have parents who don’t get caught up in worrying about hurting their child’s feelings or “self-esteem.”  They understand that a natural consequence of acting badly is having bad feelings.  This parent can address the issue and support the child in making a change.  When our child gets themselves into a mess, the last thing we want to do is leave them there.  We want to be a bridge to help them get out of the mess and on the right track.  Many times over I process “child issues” with parents.  I hear about the issue, the consequence (if there was one) and that’s the end of the story.  Parents need to know that the treasure lies in the “after story.”  That is where the insight is gained, the lesson learned and the relationship built.
6. Successful children have plenty of basic tools for learning in their toy collection.  Blocks and books are better than apps and electronics.  Don’t get me wrong.  I loved the Leap Pad products for my children.  And seriously, there are a lot of really cool electronics for children these days!  Still, imagination and self-stimulation, rather than immediate feedback from electronics is far better.  Our children will catch up to whatever they need to know electronically in good time.
7. Successful children spend very little time watching TV and videos.  When they are watching TV or video, they are watching it to watch it.  Not just for noise and distractions.  In other words, if they are watching a TV show or series, they really want to see what it is all about and enjoy it, not just have it on while they are eating, tossing toys about or wrestling with their sibling.
8. Successful children have parents who aren’t stingy with praise, but also don’t shower their children with praise.  Like in post #1, we steal their thunder when we are too quick to praise or we over praise.
9. Successful children have parents who can get down to their level for good communication but speak in an adult voice and have a good amount of give and take in the conversation.  Parents need to check to be sure that children understood them and to get some feedback from the child.  It’s always curious to see that a 3 year old whom the parent refers to as “the baby” typically doesn’t act at all like a 3 year old.  There are preschools that I have observed and there is a marked difference between those where the adults talk in a high pitched sing-songy voice and those where the adults talk in a friendly adult voice.
10. Successful children have a chance to just “be.”  They aren’t being run around all day, night and weekends to daycare, school, puppet shows, dance, karate, ice cream, etc….We parents have so many stresses when it comes to income, work schedules and pressure from peers to create the perfect life for our children.  Parents need to figure out their needs, their children’s needs and make the schedule that works for them.  Built in to the schedule needs to be down time.  Consistent down-time is necessary for family dinner, Saturday morning house cleaning, family walks, reading books, building forts, etc.

Tracy Lamperti, LMHC, BCETS
Lamperti Counseling & Consultation